Ya gotta love e-mail!

Ya gotta love e-mail! This shows just how gullible we have all become! ( yeah, you know you have believed at least one of these! lol)

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing de odorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endles s advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your armpits causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

American Idol

American Idol starts tonight, I just love that show! But, there is one thing I don't understand! If your friend or family member came to you and said they were going to try out for American Idol, and wanted to know what you thought, would you be honest with them?
I am amazed at the number of people who go on there who can't hold a tune to save their life, and yet they tearfully swear that they have been told by friends and family that they are great singers!! Please people, be honest and tell them they suck. Why let someone you care about make a fool of themselves in front of America?! That is just damn crazy to me!
And what's up with Paula Abdul? Why the hell do they keep her around anyway? She had the rumored affair with that contestant, Corey Clark, which the show let slide by. And more recently, the interview she did drunk, or high, or something! I don't like her much anyway, she tells everyone they sing good no matter what they sound like. That's not a judge, that's a cheerleader!
Anyway, I plan on watching it tonight!

Something to make you smile :-)

Women & MenSubmitted by (anonymous)

A Woman's Revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

A Man's Perspective
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened as the instructor explained, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife that explained that women use 30,000 words a day compared to a man's use of 15,000 words.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and said,"What?"

Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The Wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
With that the husband balked, saying, "I can't believe that, show me."
The wife then fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He then left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to confront his wife to see why she hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Mammo Reminder :-)

I was sent this by e-mail and thought it would be a cute way to remind all you girls to get your mammos!

For years and years they told me,Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,My gyno, Dr Pruitt
Said I should get a Mammogram "OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me, Who does! she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one. "Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their balls in there,
And see how they come out!!

Updates.....

Update on my friend that went on the date with the man on the prowl. ( see the post called "On the prowl") She decided that she wanted someone with the same values as her and told him that she didn't think that they should see each other. ( good decision ) She has since met someone new that actually seems perfect for her....time will tell. She told this guy that she was an old fashioned girl and he said that was OK cause he is an old fashioned guy. ( sounds like a match made in heaven!) I will keep you posted on if it works out!
Also, the ice storm.....well, we have got some ice, but not as much as they said yet. ( aren't the weathermen always wrong?) They are saying we will be getting more tonight and tomorrow. (my fingers are crossed) So far we still have power! ;-)

Ice Storm!

Hi guys. I live in the midwest, so if you have looked at your weather, you know we are getting a big ice storm! The last one made people around here lose power for days. So....if I don't post you will know that I am sitting in my house freezing my ass off, peeing by candlelight, and eating anything that won't spoil! Needless to say, I hate ice! Talk to ya'll later....hopefully!

Check please!

Well, me and my man went out to dinner tonight at a place that we go to all of the time. We had been there earlier this week also. The annoying thing is, that the same thing happened both times this week.
A couple of nights ago, we went in and got seated, no problem, but then we waited and waited and waited some more. Finally a waiter asked us if we had been helped yet. ( I guess the fact that we had no drinks, silverware, or menus, was a big clue there!) Of course, we smiled through clinched teeth as we said "no", and he said he would go find our waiter. So, we watch him go over to a group of about a dozen staff members, who apparently had nothing better to do. Then they all look over and are pointing to us, debating over whose table we are! A young perky blonde girl comes over smiling and apologizing to help us. ( she must have drawn the short straw ) She said that the waiter who was supposed to have that table hadn't come in yet, so she would be happy to help us. ( she was way to perky for me...)
Then again tonight, we got seated easy enough, but then the group of staff members are all looking at us and pointing, debating again over who had that table! ( proof that lightning does strike twice in the same place......but only in my life!) So again, a cute little blonde comes to wait on us and explains that the waiter who had our table called off tonight, but she would be happy to help us. ( why are they always blonde and perky? Yeah, I hated her right off the bat!)
Anyway, can you believe that? This is a big chain too, not some hole in the wall place. Would it be too much to ask to have a tall, dark and handsome hunk draw the short straw next time? ( a girl can dream can't she?)