Ya gotta love e-mail!

Ya gotta love e-mail! This shows just how gullible we have all become! ( yeah, you know you have believed at least one of these! lol)

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing de odorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endles s advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your armpits causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

American Idol

American Idol starts tonight, I just love that show! But, there is one thing I don't understand! If your friend or family member came to you and said they were going to try out for American Idol, and wanted to know what you thought, would you be honest with them?
I am amazed at the number of people who go on there who can't hold a tune to save their life, and yet they tearfully swear that they have been told by friends and family that they are great singers!! Please people, be honest and tell them they suck. Why let someone you care about make a fool of themselves in front of America?! That is just damn crazy to me!
And what's up with Paula Abdul? Why the hell do they keep her around anyway? She had the rumored affair with that contestant, Corey Clark, which the show let slide by. And more recently, the interview she did drunk, or high, or something! I don't like her much anyway, she tells everyone they sing good no matter what they sound like. That's not a judge, that's a cheerleader!
Anyway, I plan on watching it tonight!

Something to make you smile :-)

Women & MenSubmitted by (anonymous)

A Woman's Revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

A Man's Perspective
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened as the instructor explained, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife that explained that women use 30,000 words a day compared to a man's use of 15,000 words.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and said,"What?"

Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The Wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
With that the husband balked, saying, "I can't believe that, show me."
The wife then fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He then left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to confront his wife to see why she hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Mammo Reminder :-)

I was sent this by e-mail and thought it would be a cute way to remind all you girls to get your mammos!

For years and years they told me,Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,My gyno, Dr Pruitt
Said I should get a Mammogram "OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me, Who does! she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one. "Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their balls in there,
And see how they come out!!

Updates.....

Update on my friend that went on the date with the man on the prowl. ( see the post called "On the prowl") She decided that she wanted someone with the same values as her and told him that she didn't think that they should see each other. ( good decision ) She has since met someone new that actually seems perfect for her....time will tell. She told this guy that she was an old fashioned girl and he said that was OK cause he is an old fashioned guy. ( sounds like a match made in heaven!) I will keep you posted on if it works out!
Also, the ice storm.....well, we have got some ice, but not as much as they said yet. ( aren't the weathermen always wrong?) They are saying we will be getting more tonight and tomorrow. (my fingers are crossed) So far we still have power! ;-)

Ice Storm!

Hi guys. I live in the midwest, so if you have looked at your weather, you know we are getting a big ice storm! The last one made people around here lose power for days. So....if I don't post you will know that I am sitting in my house freezing my ass off, peeing by candlelight, and eating anything that won't spoil! Needless to say, I hate ice! Talk to ya'll later....hopefully!

Check please!

Well, me and my man went out to dinner tonight at a place that we go to all of the time. We had been there earlier this week also. The annoying thing is, that the same thing happened both times this week.
A couple of nights ago, we went in and got seated, no problem, but then we waited and waited and waited some more. Finally a waiter asked us if we had been helped yet. ( I guess the fact that we had no drinks, silverware, or menus, was a big clue there!) Of course, we smiled through clinched teeth as we said "no", and he said he would go find our waiter. So, we watch him go over to a group of about a dozen staff members, who apparently had nothing better to do. Then they all look over and are pointing to us, debating over whose table we are! A young perky blonde girl comes over smiling and apologizing to help us. ( she must have drawn the short straw ) She said that the waiter who was supposed to have that table hadn't come in yet, so she would be happy to help us. ( she was way to perky for me...)
Then again tonight, we got seated easy enough, but then the group of staff members are all looking at us and pointing, debating again over who had that table! ( proof that lightning does strike twice in the same place......but only in my life!) So again, a cute little blonde comes to wait on us and explains that the waiter who had our table called off tonight, but she would be happy to help us. ( why are they always blonde and perky? Yeah, I hated her right off the bat!)
Anyway, can you believe that? This is a big chain too, not some hole in the wall place. Would it be too much to ask to have a tall, dark and handsome hunk draw the short straw next time? ( a girl can dream can't she?)

Is Love Blind?

Have you ever "people watched" as you were sitting somewhere? Then suddenly you see a couple and wonder why they are together because one is hot and one is not? (you know you have!) I will admit to thinking this from time to time. I was sitting in a nice restaurant and saw this couple get seated at the table next to ours. He was extremely hot, and built, and sexy...well, you get the picture, anyway, I peal my eyes away from him for a sec to glance at the woman that has somehow nabbed a date with this hunk, and what do I see? Yeah, you guessed it, she was.....well, shall we say, a plain jane. ( I AM being nice) It makes you wonder how she attracted him in the first place. This is a woman that on the outside nothing stands out about her. She was plain, with little make-up and simply dressed. But, as I watched them together, I started to see her appeal. The way she looked at him like he was the only man in the room, the smile she gave him that lit up her face, the sweet way she made him laugh. (yes, I was jealous, I'll admit it )It was then that I realized that true love is truly blind. And then I remembered some of my own experiences with such phenomenon. I dated this guy once that when he walked into a room, every woman's eyes were on him. ( no, they didn't look at me and wonder why he was with me....or did they?) He was so sexy and built, he made your jaw drop! ( mind out of the gutter!) But it stopped there, because as we had dinner and talked I saw nothing else in him to attract me, and he started to seem less attractive to me. He was very vain, not very smart, and had nothing to offer to the conversation beyond weight lifting and hair gel. So, as good looking as he was, I could'nt find any attraction there to keep me with him. ( that isn't enough!...always in the gutter isn't it?) I also dated this other guy, that I had talked to online and on the phone. We decided to meet in a restaurant after a lot of engaging conversations on the phone. When he walked in, I wasn't sure what to say, he wasn't the hot hunk I had envisioned. ( ok, he was a little unattractive...) But we sat down and as we had dinner and talked, He got more and more attractive. When we started to talk about the things we already knew we had in common, and about new subjects that we hadn't touched on yet, I realized that I liked him. He was a perfect gentleman, (sorry to disappoint you) we had many things to talk about, he made me laugh, and as the night drew to a close, I was so glad I had met him. ( again, get your mind out of the gutter) So, next time you meet someone, keep an open mind. The old adage is true...you can't judge a book by its cover. If you go for the superficial, then you may end up in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. Always go for the mind and heart of a person, and you can't go wrong, you will be happier in the end.

On the prowl

I was talking to a friend I know and she was asking my opinion (imagine that..) on a recent date she had. Well, she met him online and they e-mailed and talked on the phone for a while before deciding to meet in person.
I, for one, like the idea of online dating. (been there, done that) Why, you ask? Well, in my opinion, you can talk to a person and know them to a certain degree before you meet them in person. Think of it this way...if you meet in a bar, for example, you know nothing about them, except what they tell you. And unless you carry around a lie detector, you have no idea if what they say is a load of bull. If you read about them online, at least you know they are telling everyone the same thing as you, (maybe all lies too) but at least it is anonymous until you are comfortable with this person, and if you aren't (comfortable that is) then you don't ever have to see them face to face. Plus, I am one who believes you trust your gut feeling, and you can tell a lot from talking on the phone and then meeting in a public place. But that's another blog for another day!
Back to my friend.... She said they met for a drink in a public place. ( Good choice, I say!) She thought he was hot, and seemed like a nice guy. As they talked about numerous subjects, the topic of sex came up. (doesn't it always!) Well, he said he was very sexual, and as the night went on he kept bringing the topic back to sex. (don't they all?)
You have to understand that my friend is recently single and hasn't been in the dating scene for, let's just say.. a long time! So, for you girls out there who have been around like I have, you probably know where this is going! Her first question was; Are all men like that? And my wise answer was;"Hell yeah!". Unlike me, she is a good girl, who wouldn't dream of having premarital sex or anything, so she was a little shocked. I said "welcome to the modern world of dating". She wanted to know how I handle men like that. (which is all of them!) I told her that if he wanted more than just roll in the hay, then he would wait to have sex. ( that is the right answer.....I know what you're thinking!) She should spend some time with him and see if there is more to him than making her just another notch on his belt.
Why do men always seem to want sex right off the bat? I know you men are getting all upset right now saying not all men are like that. Well, I would agree....but most are. But on the flip side girls....there are a lot of women out on the prowl also. I think you need to set you up your own standards and morals before you get into this situation and then stick to it. Boy or girl, you need to be true to yourself, watch your own back, and stick to your principals. You owe it to yourself! And believe it or not, you will find someone with the same stand as you.
I will keep you updated on what happens with her! Stay tuned! lol

first post :-)

Hey all! I just created this blog and am new to all of this, so bear with me. I am hoping to make it much better....as soon as I learn how! lol
Anyway, drop me a line and ask me something or just tell me about yourself. Would love to hear from you!